Wow, I am an awful blogger. Over three weeks and no posts. But my stats tell me that for no reason I can comprehend, people are still stopping by. So to my faithful readers, I must say thank you, and I’m sorry. Life’s been crazy for the past few weeks, and with school starting on Monday, things aren’t promising to get any better. My mind has been so scattered all summer long. But right now, in a word, I’m scared. To be a bit clearer, I’m scared out of my mind.
By Monday night, I should be at college, signed up for classes, moved into my dorm, and left alone. Well, okay, not really alone, I’ll be on a campus full of people. But mom will probably be out of the state by then, and the closest people I actually know will be an hour away. My entire life is about change, and every time I think about that, I panic a little.
And yet, looking around, it’s hard to tell the change is even coming. Because I haven’t packed yet, my room looks just like it has for the past three years. Yes, there’s a stack of things for my dorm in the corner, but it’s really not that noticeable. Last night I went to the last service I’ll attend at my home church until Christmas break, and again, aside from a few good byes, nothing out of the ordinary happened. Everybody I see often acts normally, knowing their good byes won’t come until Friday night or Saturday morning.
But something’s off. Maybe it’s just me, but it almost seems like there’s something hanging in the air. Almost a sense of urgency. Suddenly realizing, what if this is the last time I see him or her? What if this is the last time I walk through this park? It’s so strange to realize that in less than two days, I’ll be gone.
Of course, there are other strange realizations as well. The other day, it suddenly hit me that some of my fantasies were coming true. You see, I’m a dreamer. I’ll stare into space thinking about “what ifs” for hours if I get the chance. But when I was about fourteen, one of my favorite things to dream about was going to college. Not just any college, though. I’d seen the students at Calvary Chapel Bible College when we picked Dad up from conferences, and I’d been impressed. I wanted to be one of them. So for hours when I was cleaning or delivering papers or supposedly doing math, I’d be thinking about going to that college. It was one of the things that I wished for, and that I thought would never happen. But it’s happening. I wonder if it’s always this scary when dreams come true.
But yes, I’m scared. I’m worried. Right now all the “what ifs” that come to mind are things that could go wrong. At church last night, though, we sang a song that really hit home for me.
I cast all my cares upon You
I lay all of my burdens down at Your feet
And anytime I don’t what I’m to do
I will cast all my cares upon You
And that’s all it really comes down to. Trust. I’m doing a little better now, and just keep needing to remind myself that He’s in control. He’s taken care of everything. I just need to trust.