Despite being homeschooled, I do actually have some friends in my age range. So naturally, I know a few other graduates of the class of ‘09. Of course, we’ve all been finishing school and getting ready for life, and where we’re going next is a common conversation topic.
A couple months ago, I was talking to an unsaved friend of mine about it. She told me her entire life plan… where she’d go to college, what she’d study, how her career would go, when she would marry, when she would have kids, how many she would have, when she would retire… she had it all figured out. At the time, I was almost jealous of how sure she was of the future. I imagined that it must be infinitely comforting to know where you’re going.
When I had that conversation, I was terrified of the future. In fact, I was terrified of life. I was afraid to stay where I was because I didn’t want to spend my whole life there, yet I was afraid to move forward because I had no idea where to go next. I was paralyzed. That was why the confidence my friend had impressed me so much: she knew where to go. I was entering a crucial stage of my life, a time when I would decide what sort of woman to become. I already knew what I wanted, though. I wanted to be a young woman with a vision.
I’d spent my life in a state of uncertainty. It never really mattered what I wanted to do: mom told me what I needed to do, and I did it dutifully. Whenever I had to make a choice, I’d agonize over it, even if it was something as simple as which shirt to buy. So what I wanted was a sense of purpose, a reason to live, and a goal to shape my life around. I was tired of doing the bare minimum, I wanted to stand up and make a difference. Of course, before I could do any of that, I had to decide how. Great, back to that cursed decision making.
But over the past few months, I’ve been learning a beautiful lesson. The Savior has been teaching me that I don’t need to make that choice. He knows me, He designed me, He has a plan for me. What right do I have to say how I want my life to go? If it weren’t for Him, I wouldn’t even be alive, much less have any ability to do anything. Why should I agonize over what to do with my life when He has a perfect plan already in place? I’ve realized that His plan is so much better than anything I could ever dream of, and, with that realization, not only have I found my vision, but I’ve discovered that merely having a vision is not enough.
I’ve stopped longing for a vision, because I have one. That vision is to give myself fully to the service of the King of Kings. Now the next step is surrender. Giving up my feeble grasp at control and letting God truly rule in my life is anything but easy, but through His grace and with His strength, I know I can live fully for my Lord. Now, as I look back on that conversation with my friend, I wonder how she could be so secure, how she could have any sense of hope when she was relying completely on herself, and I thank God that I no longer have to bear that great burden. Yes, at times I still worry about my future. I honestly have no idea what to expect. But even when I’m the least certain, I find hope, joy, and peace in the knowledge that He is in control, come what may. His ways are so much higher, and He knows better than I.